Howeird Is That?

There's a lot of jibber-jabber in the media about fires in Australia.

Folks, this is a hoax. Check your calendars. It's January. This is the middle of winter. Australia is probably buried under 20 feet of snow right now. If there are fires being started, it's probably just desperately cold Australians suffering from this Global Ice Age that just keeps getting colder over the past 16 years. They're just trying to burn a little carbon to try to stay warm, even though no one in the country can afford a lump of life-saving coal after the devastating taxes I heard they were discussing.

It's been proven, using sophisticated chart-drawing spreadsheet software run on very powerful home computers, that the Earth has been dangerously cooling over the past 16 years. Just google any loyal skeptic's "science blog". You'll find many charts with lines that are clearly pointed in the down direction for the next few future years. This is not some magical "climate model" spewing out random numbers. These are actual charts with actual lines drawn on them. Hard evidence. It's settled, the diagrams show it, the Earth is actually cooling.

Please, folks, please remember the charts when all the other so-called "evidence" is thrown about by warmunists. Sure there will be hot weather days, and hot weeks, and hot decades, and weird devastating storms and continents turned to deserts... that's weather, folks! Do not be tricked by the false evidence of increased temperatures; that's all meaningless. Stay loyal and look to the charts! No matter how hot it gets, trust your eyes and not your skin, because irregardless of your false feelings of extreme heat the charts prove that it's just getting colder.

Note: Don't trust any charts from anyone who says the evidence is for warming. That's called "drawing a conclusion" and is a clear sign of bias toward the AGW agenda. Only trust the charts that point down, because they're drawn by people who know what they're looking for and go out of their way to put hard work into finding it. Those idiot scientists just print whatever some computer spits out, whether it's what we want to hear or not! Since when are the computers in charge of weather-related decisions?! Okay so maybe I can't beat a Commodore 64 at chess or tic-tac-toe, but at least I know in my heart whether or not it's getting warmer or colder. The heartless machines just rely on sensor measurements and cold calculation. Can you really trust that?

I'll say a little prayer for the Australians tonight, and give a shout out to my man God who is the only dude who can control the weather on a continental scale, and hope for a little something miraculous and hydrocarbonous that the poor overtaxed Australians can burn. Stay warm, "mates", and I'm truly sorry for the bitter winter cold that the democrats have blown your way.

There's a story over at something called Climate Rocks, I didn't bother to read it but basically it's about how Solar Wind Power is the cause of all global warming. Folks, it's been proven, by science, and for once I'm going to believe in science, because this just feels right to me.

Now, I never understood the so-called facts about how invisible gasses can have any effect on anything whatsoever, so naturally I refused to believe it. But now, someone on a blog said that cosmic rays are causing all the weird hotness and storminess that we've been seeing this past decade. And I'm going to tend to believe that, because the Earth has actually been cooling since 1998, so how else can anyone explain the ever-increasing globular hotness. The answer is cosmic rays.

Yup, I never understood the whole C2O scare, and now I don't have to. Why believe in a mysterious invisible, a non-existent made-up gas that is actually plant food and the most vital gas in our atmosphere even though it's only a trace gas that doesn't exist, when plain-old easy-to-understand cosmic rays that can actually be seen (watch any sci-fi movie from the 1950s for proof) explain it all, and then some!

How dumb are these other climate scientists who all this time believed in a magic make-believe, very essential gas, yet still aren't instantly swayed like I am by such a simple idea as that the warming Earth is so obviously caused entirely by some kind of lasers from space.


Now the only question is, who are these little green men who are shooting at us, and how do we fight them? Are they really green eco-terrorists, from some red planet? Will our impressive nuclear arsenal blast them to bits, or will it force them into being trade partners? What advanced oil drilling technology might they possess? And lastly, where do we aim our missiles and how soon can we push the button?

Science has proven that there are many many worlds to explore and mine for resources (I get giddy just imagining what the proven oil reserves on some of those planets must be!). But there is only one global economy.

If there's one thing we know about the environment, it's that it is nigh impervious to mankind. We can burn it, drill it, grind it up, dump toxic waste on it, pave over it, and it still refuses to die. But what about today's global economic environment? I don't think any true environmentalist could ignore that environment. It is truly fragile! Despite decades of intense focus on the economy at the expense of everything else (life, liberty, freedom, social advancement --- a lot of things have been given up for the sake of the economy, and that's how you know how truly important it really is!), the economy remains perched on the edge of Death!

There's this thing that doctors do, on TV shows such as MASH and ER, called "triaging". That's where you sort out the patients into categories like "Not dying yet" and "Beyond all hope of saving." Then you order the patients by severity and frantically focus all your attention where it is most loudly begged for: on those patients with no hope of survival. And folks, right now that is the economy. Despite all the extreme measures we've done to try to artificially resuscitate it, it remains limp and listless and on its last breaths. Any fool can see, the only way to deal with that is to put more, more, forever more blood snot and tears into it. As long as we humans still have an ounce of blood flowing through our veins, we have blood to give to the economy in a hopeless attempt at giving it a fair shot at life.

Yes, the economy has no hope of survival, and demands all of our attention at the expense of all else. Meanwhile, scientists kinda mostly I guess agree that we haven't yet reached a final tipping point in the environment that will doom us all. That means that the environment is not yet dying beyond all hope of saving. We must focus on the hopeless patients first! We have a few years or at the very least months before the environment is ruined beyond saving. Then, and only then, would it be responsible for anyone to focus any attention on it. Doing anything now would be like having doctors waste their time on someone who isn't even almost dead yet. That's something that could only make sense to hippy democrats.

But even when we reach that environmental point of no return, even then as long as there is still an economy left, it is patient #1. The economy doesn't even seem able to survive despite focusing all our attention on it, so it would be irresponsible to give it any less than 100% of our effort. That unfortunately leaves 0% effort for the environment. Sorry hippies. We can worry about the ruined Earth after the sickly heart of the economy finally gives in, and we're all forced to live in caves and our stock portfolios are in tatters. I shudder at the thought.

The youngest among us have grown up never knowing a clean, healthy economic environment. For many, truly "we have always been in a global economic crisis" (I can't even remember which crisis it is we're in at the moment, or what started it). And it looks like we always will! And that gives me hope, because if there's one thing that can spur a young generation into action it is constant, nerve-racking crisis! For many of us older folks (17 and up) who were lucky enough to know the glory of war to get our hearts pumping, the global economic crisis is just a bonus. I myself always wound up bravely fighting and keeping the economy going from a spot right here on the home front but I can tell you I envy all of those living it up on the front lines.

Anyway in summary, kids listen up: The economy is in much worse condition than the environment, and that's why it is the economy that demands every last drop of blood that you have. Don't disappoint us more than you already have (eg. going into theatre or fine arts). Forget about the Earth. Save the economy!

Howeird Is That is the new go-to source for climate news, where you won't hear anything about melting ice in the Arctic, or anything else you don't want to hear.

As far as Arctic ice goes, we've just broken through another all-time record low in our confidence in the previous former favorite for climate news and not-news. Dr. Watts has lost that title, by keeping a reminder right on the site's main page, that Arctic ice is disappearing. He's actually informing people of the dire "situation" in the so-called Arctic! Dr. Watts have you forgotten who's paying you and what you're paid to do? You're not paid to keep people informed about what's going on in the world when it's really really really not what we want to hear! And not what we want others to hear. Remember that when you're cashing your cheques.

Well now that Watts has "gone rouge," there's only one place left that I can reliably say is still reporting on exactly what news needs to be heard, in order to stay fair and balanced in this war against the greens and the environment so that we can slaughter the other side in a vicious bloodbath (It's the only way to be sure). And that place is right here.

On that note, we here at Howeird Is That have replaced our "Arctic Sea Ice Page" with our "What Arctic?!" page.

And as for all this hoo-hah balderdash flim-flam razmataz nonsense jibberty-jabber about the Arctic melting, our position is this: "I have no idea what you're talking about."

It's sad that the AGW crowd always has to fall back on tricks like complex math, such as multiplication and division etc. As always this is yet again the case in a recent post by Tamino, where he concludes:

...global warming doesn’t just make heat waves hotter. What’s much much much more important is that it makes heat waves more frequent. Cliff Mass gives the impression that there’s nothing to worry about because our “3-sigma” events — the real killers — will only be one degree hotter, quite ignoring the fact that we’ll get 10 times as many of them.

Yes, Tamino dazzles and confuses us with fancy math that no human can possibly decipher or tell if it's real or just more AGW "devil tricks" (multiplication, division, and other math things I don't even know the name of and are probably made up anyway). But he fails at the most very basic math of all. Because think about it, folks: Let's say you have an all-natural "killer" heat wave that kills say only 10% of the population (let's call them "group B"... us A's are the ones that survive). Now say you get 10 of those in a row. How many extra people are dead? Hint: It's not 90% more!

Why? Do the math! Those other 9 heat waves don't kill anybody, because everyone in group B is already dead. Killin'em over and over again ain't gonna do no harm (even if it's not pretty by the 4th or 5th time)!

Cliff Mass is right. Ain't nothin to worry about no global wermins. The only people who need to worry are those who are already probably marked down somewhere as "acceptable losses" anyway.

Folks, I'm no dummy (I took Weatherman Skills 101 at community college after nearly finishing high school), but you don't need my near-100 IQ to see the mistakes in AGW "math".

Obviously there have been a lot of really weird and completely unpredictable (other than by insane psychotic "scientists") weather events this season. All over the liberal-biased news you'll hear stories of flooding, drought, ice melt, record high temperatures, etc...

As usual, the media is simply taking one side and refusing to report on all the global-cooling related stories that are also happening equally as much as the warming stories (it would not be fair and balanced to report anything but equal occurrences). Have no fear! I will be reporting on all of the global-cooling related stories as they happen. Stay tuned to this blog as I will keep it updated with all the real fair news about global-cooling.

Here's a start:

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Record low temperatures in the USA

There was that really cold day in Minnesota in the winter (I reported it before on this very blog), and that was like only a year or two ago. You can't explain that!

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Above average ice extent in parts of the Arctic

In a part of the Berring Straight, there was a bit more ice than average, for part of the Spring just a few months ago for a little while. Hmm!, I guess that's one part of the globe that didn't get the memo from Gore that the whole entire globe was supposed to be warming uniformly every last bit of it.

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Well there you have it. That's two stories so far on global cooling, and maybe we've heard approximately two stories repeated over and over (yawn!!!) this year about global warming (including the Texas droughts, Colorado wildfires, Iowa crop failures, record high temperatures over USA, flooding in some foreign-type countries in Asia or whatever, unprecedented Greenland ice melt, the so-called "death spiral" --- ooh! Scary!!! --- of Arctic ice melt even though there was more ice in that part around the Berring Straight)... So far it's about even but with the oncoming ice-age we're already in I expect there to be a lot more global-cooling stories coming in than stories about warming which is only caused by natural variation. So watch this space! I predict about 3 blog posts per day throughout the rest of summer.

There's a great little story over at WattsGoingOn?!, an historically accurate tale that really shows what a bunch of dopes all the scientists is.

Excerpt:

Tribe wizard:

“Don’t listen to that fool, dear tribe. These creatures only show themselves to the chosen ones like me. Anybody else cannot see them. And they are in anger as our tribe has displeased them and they are punishing us with casting the cold spell.”

Old sceptic tribe idiot:

“Nonsense, we had severe winters when I was young. It’s just natural variability”

You see, the Tribe wizard is like stupid scientists today, telling us that global warming is caused by magical monsters that only they can see, and demanding that we make a sacrifice of goodies to the scary gods of climatology. The Idiot is like brave, intelligent sceptics of global warming, standing up to the witchcraft of the modern wizards.

Science is indistinguishable from magic (an old Isaac Assimov quote). Therefore, scientists are actually trying to convince us that the global warming we see all around us is due to magic! Absolutely ridiculous! Why would anyone even bother listening to them?! Don't, by the way. Don't let yourself hear their evil enchanted message. You mustn't even give them a chance. If we let their devil-sorcery witchcraft get into people's ears, those people will be put under some kind of voodoo spell and turned into brainless zombies, bereft of their brave, rational, intelligent sceptical rejection of all science since 1905.

In the parable, the stupid wizard predicts (using magic and evil) that the summer will come and everything will become magically warm. The intelligent idiot, using god-given knowledge of natural variability, predicts that the summer will come and that things will become even colder (due to it being an ice age). Sure enough, the summer comes and it is warmer. So who is right?

The Idiot, of course! The fancy wizard is wrong, because even though it got warmer, it was wrong to use magic tricks to make that prediction. The handsome Idiot is right, because even though it didn't get colder as predicted, the Idiot realizes that making a prediction in the first place was impossible due to Natural Variability, and the incorrect prediction conclusively proves that! Once the heat got here, the brave idiot smartly realized they had known all along that the hot summer would happen, but they also correctly knew that it was not due to imaginary monsters or science. So maybe the wizard should be the one being called an idiot! You idiot scientist wizard! Stay away from me with your scary magical abilities to predict the future and to see monsters and invisible trace gasses which are actually really quite very beneficial to life.

Folks, don't be tricked by modern wizards. I see some people starting to believe in the sorcery just because all of the scientists' predictions are coming true. That's just a trick! Yes, the Earth is getting warmer exactly like the scientists predicted it, but you'd have to be an idiot to think that it happened due to some mumbo-jumbo sciencey necromancy that us ordinary folk don't even understand. And don't want to! It's hogswallow! Just remember that all this global warming is due to natural variability. It could not be predicted, which only goes to show that the scientists who predicted it are witches.

I would suggest burning them, but I bet someone would get his panties up in a knot over the carbon credits that doing so would put up into the atmosphere.