Howeird Is That?

Some liberal satellite has measured that increased Antarctica melting will contribute to 0.43 mm in sea level rise per year. Eek that sounds bad, wait how many miles is that? Checking... it's---oh my!---2.6719e-7 miles per year! Oh no, how scary! Is that even a number?

Well folks, it looks like I'll have to raise my houses up 0.43 mm this year to prevent them from flooding. Or maybe I'll just invest in a really tiny bucket to get the water out. Gee I hope I'll notice that very thin layer of water, or will I think it's just shiny because Jenkins decided to re-wax the marble floors again on his day off?

Of course, the scientists say that storm surges will be greater than average and of course the effect adds up over the years. Flooding is already a serious problem for my neighborhood, due completely to natural variation in climate. Okay so there will be a few more bad storm surges every now and then, and overall increased chance of flooding in any given area, but on average what is the effect of this measly rise in global sea level? I mean, the total amount of time that coastal habitation is being flooded, relative to the total time say that it's sunny, is still very small. So what is the average effect? I did some rough calculations and blog science, and I came up with a number that is the average raise in sea level, including the sunny times and the increased time spent completely flooded, and it works out to be only 0.43 mm per year.

What?! Hahaha, 0.43 mm that's hardly anything! Looks like I'll have to build a storm wall out of some thin shoe laces! Looks like I'll have to keep buying slightly bigger mops every year that I get flooded. Sheesh, those scientists like to worry. I'm not worried. On average, I'll be just fine.

Ah the deliciously ironic horrors that our globally cooling freezing planet is serving up, as now not only did ONE ship get stuck in some ice, but the ICE BREAKER that helped save the hopeless scientists on it is now also stuck in the ice.

Folks, it's a fact that if there's ice anywhere on this globe, then it's pretty dern cold on that part of the globe, and that is by definition global cooling. So now that global cooling in Antarctica is an established fact, let us never forget it. Surely come summer there will be freak heat waves where there should not be heat waves, and the scientists will point and say "Look! See?!"

...like so many brainless zombie fanatics. When this happens, we must remember remember, the first days of January, when some people were stuck on a boat. Don't let them trick you or spoil our fun. Repeat it, folks! Let it be your mantra: "Stuck on boat means global warming a hoax!" Natural disasters happen on the political right as equally likely as on the political left, in equal measure. Can anyone really claim that one natural disaster is "better" than another? No, I think not. So when thousands of people die in heat waves, remind those people, "Don't forget that 52 passengers got stuck in some ice that one time (thus proving once and for all that science is made up fairytales), and how is this any worse?"

Make "Boat stuck in ice" the climate story of the year. It's that important.

Is Watts a traitor? Well we already know that the answer is 'yes' because we've asked it before and couldn't come to any other conclusion but 'maybe'. Now Dr. Watts seems to be getting money from the green side too, as demonstrated by a recent piece over at wattsgoingon extolling the so-called benefits of increased CO2s which if it were even possible to go up would be strictly natural from the natural C02 of natural volcanoes.

And what are those benefits? The greening of deserts. Now wait a minute. Since when is green good? I think it is a conflict of interest to be accepting black gold oil money and dirty cactussy green money at the same time. After all, deserts is where we get our oils from, and we needs our oils to burn to run our car air conditioners in this naturally roasting hot world (bigger cars is more American because bigger is better and bigger means more space to cool i.e. bigger air conditioners and bigger engines to run them, so we really really needs our precious oils, Mr. Dr. sir). You can't have greener environments while also covering the Earth outside the US in beautiful oil-producing dessert. Once again it seems I need to remind people of who signs their checks (the first set of them I mean, the ones with the names of oil companies on them).

Dr. Watts has been caught in a lie though, once again. Greener deserts cannot be caused by C20s, because it is a harmless, colorless, odorless gas that only exists in trace amounts in the atmosphere and therefore cannot possibly affect anything. Remember you used to say that too, sir? Did I not get the memo?... or are we not still running with that one? How can a plant, a dum, brainless idiot plant with an IQ no greater than maybe 60, how can it possibly decide it's going to get greener with the C02s, if it can't even see that they're there with its own eyes?! It's pure shimmy shammery!

In conclusion, c02s is not going up, and only a little and just due to all the non-man-made volcanoes, and it's not causing greening OR warming, and the devastating heat is only part of the natural cycle which has been cooling since 1998, and deserts and oil is a good thing because they run our cars and our car air conditioners which can actually be used to cool the planet if we make them big enough, once the sun and all those volcanoes keep heating it up. In conclusion mankind is not possibly affecting the environment, and only in a good way.

There's a lot of jibber-jabber in the media about fires in Australia.

Folks, this is a hoax. Check your calendars. It's January. This is the middle of winter. Australia is probably buried under 20 feet of snow right now. If there are fires being started, it's probably just desperately cold Australians suffering from this Global Ice Age that just keeps getting colder over the past 16 years. They're just trying to burn a little carbon to try to stay warm, even though no one in the country can afford a lump of life-saving coal after the devastating taxes I heard they were discussing.

It's been proven, using sophisticated chart-drawing spreadsheet software run on very powerful home computers, that the Earth has been dangerously cooling over the past 16 years. Just google any loyal skeptic's "science blog". You'll find many charts with lines that are clearly pointed in the down direction for the next few future years. This is not some magical "climate model" spewing out random numbers. These are actual charts with actual lines drawn on them. Hard evidence. It's settled, the diagrams show it, the Earth is actually cooling.

Please, folks, please remember the charts when all the other so-called "evidence" is thrown about by warmunists. Sure there will be hot weather days, and hot weeks, and hot decades, and weird devastating storms and continents turned to deserts... that's weather, folks! Do not be tricked by the false evidence of increased temperatures; that's all meaningless. Stay loyal and look to the charts! No matter how hot it gets, trust your eyes and not your skin, because irregardless of your false feelings of extreme heat the charts prove that it's just getting colder.

Note: Don't trust any charts from anyone who says the evidence is for warming. That's called "drawing a conclusion" and is a clear sign of bias toward the AGW agenda. Only trust the charts that point down, because they're drawn by people who know what they're looking for and go out of their way to put hard work into finding it. Those idiot scientists just print whatever some computer spits out, whether it's what we want to hear or not! Since when are the computers in charge of weather-related decisions?! Okay so maybe I can't beat a Commodore 64 at chess or tic-tac-toe, but at least I know in my heart whether or not it's getting warmer or colder. The heartless machines just rely on sensor measurements and cold calculation. Can you really trust that?

I'll say a little prayer for the Australians tonight, and give a shout out to my man God who is the only dude who can control the weather on a continental scale, and hope for a little something miraculous and hydrocarbonous that the poor overtaxed Australians can burn. Stay warm, "mates", and I'm truly sorry for the bitter winter cold that the democrats have blown your way.

There's a story over at something called Climate Rocks, I didn't bother to read it but basically it's about how Solar Wind Power is the cause of all global warming. Folks, it's been proven, by science, and for once I'm going to believe in science, because this just feels right to me.

Now, I never understood the so-called facts about how invisible gasses can have any effect on anything whatsoever, so naturally I refused to believe it. But now, someone on a blog said that cosmic rays are causing all the weird hotness and storminess that we've been seeing this past decade. And I'm going to tend to believe that, because the Earth has actually been cooling since 1998, so how else can anyone explain the ever-increasing globular hotness. The answer is cosmic rays.

Yup, I never understood the whole C2O scare, and now I don't have to. Why believe in a mysterious invisible, a non-existent made-up gas that is actually plant food and the most vital gas in our atmosphere even though it's only a trace gas that doesn't exist, when plain-old easy-to-understand cosmic rays that can actually be seen (watch any sci-fi movie from the 1950s for proof) explain it all, and then some!

How dumb are these other climate scientists who all this time believed in a magic make-believe, very essential gas, yet still aren't instantly swayed like I am by such a simple idea as that the warming Earth is so obviously caused entirely by some kind of lasers from space.


Now the only question is, who are these little green men who are shooting at us, and how do we fight them? Are they really green eco-terrorists, from some red planet? Will our impressive nuclear arsenal blast them to bits, or will it force them into being trade partners? What advanced oil drilling technology might they possess? And lastly, where do we aim our missiles and how soon can we push the button?

Science has proven that there are many many worlds to explore and mine for resources (I get giddy just imagining what the proven oil reserves on some of those planets must be!). But there is only one global economy.

If there's one thing we know about the environment, it's that it is nigh impervious to mankind. We can burn it, drill it, grind it up, dump toxic waste on it, pave over it, and it still refuses to die. But what about today's global economic environment? I don't think any true environmentalist could ignore that environment. It is truly fragile! Despite decades of intense focus on the economy at the expense of everything else (life, liberty, freedom, social advancement --- a lot of things have been given up for the sake of the economy, and that's how you know how truly important it really is!), the economy remains perched on the edge of Death!

There's this thing that doctors do, on TV shows such as MASH and ER, called "triaging". That's where you sort out the patients into categories like "Not dying yet" and "Beyond all hope of saving." Then you order the patients by severity and frantically focus all your attention where it is most loudly begged for: on those patients with no hope of survival. And folks, right now that is the economy. Despite all the extreme measures we've done to try to artificially resuscitate it, it remains limp and listless and on its last breaths. Any fool can see, the only way to deal with that is to put more, more, forever more blood snot and tears into it. As long as we humans still have an ounce of blood flowing through our veins, we have blood to give to the economy in a hopeless attempt at giving it a fair shot at life.

Yes, the economy has no hope of survival, and demands all of our attention at the expense of all else. Meanwhile, scientists kinda mostly I guess agree that we haven't yet reached a final tipping point in the environment that will doom us all. That means that the environment is not yet dying beyond all hope of saving. We must focus on the hopeless patients first! We have a few years or at the very least months before the environment is ruined beyond saving. Then, and only then, would it be responsible for anyone to focus any attention on it. Doing anything now would be like having doctors waste their time on someone who isn't even almost dead yet. That's something that could only make sense to hippy democrats.

But even when we reach that environmental point of no return, even then as long as there is still an economy left, it is patient #1. The economy doesn't even seem able to survive despite focusing all our attention on it, so it would be irresponsible to give it any less than 100% of our effort. That unfortunately leaves 0% effort for the environment. Sorry hippies. We can worry about the ruined Earth after the sickly heart of the economy finally gives in, and we're all forced to live in caves and our stock portfolios are in tatters. I shudder at the thought.

The youngest among us have grown up never knowing a clean, healthy economic environment. For many, truly "we have always been in a global economic crisis" (I can't even remember which crisis it is we're in at the moment, or what started it). And it looks like we always will! And that gives me hope, because if there's one thing that can spur a young generation into action it is constant, nerve-racking crisis! For many of us older folks (17 and up) who were lucky enough to know the glory of war to get our hearts pumping, the global economic crisis is just a bonus. I myself always wound up bravely fighting and keeping the economy going from a spot right here on the home front but I can tell you I envy all of those living it up on the front lines.

Anyway in summary, kids listen up: The economy is in much worse condition than the environment, and that's why it is the economy that demands every last drop of blood that you have. Don't disappoint us more than you already have (eg. going into theatre or fine arts). Forget about the Earth. Save the economy!

Howeird Is That is the new go-to source for climate news, where you won't hear anything about melting ice in the Arctic, or anything else you don't want to hear.

As far as Arctic ice goes, we've just broken through another all-time record low in our confidence in the previous former favorite for climate news and not-news. Dr. Watts has lost that title, by keeping a reminder right on the site's main page, that Arctic ice is disappearing. He's actually informing people of the dire "situation" in the so-called Arctic! Dr. Watts have you forgotten who's paying you and what you're paid to do? You're not paid to keep people informed about what's going on in the world when it's really really really not what we want to hear! And not what we want others to hear. Remember that when you're cashing your cheques.

Well now that Watts has "gone rouge," there's only one place left that I can reliably say is still reporting on exactly what news needs to be heard, in order to stay fair and balanced in this war against the greens and the environment so that we can slaughter the other side in a vicious bloodbath (It's the only way to be sure). And that place is right here.

On that note, we here at Howeird Is That have replaced our "Arctic Sea Ice Page" with our "What Arctic?!" page.

And as for all this hoo-hah balderdash flim-flam razmataz nonsense jibberty-jabber about the Arctic melting, our position is this: "I have no idea what you're talking about."