Some liberal satellite has measured that increased Antarctica melting will contribute to 0.43 mm in sea level rise per year. Eek that sounds bad, wait how many miles is that? Checking... it's---oh my!---2.6719e-7 miles per year! Oh no, how scary! Is that even a number?

Well folks, it looks like I'll have to raise my houses up 0.43 mm this year to prevent them from flooding. Or maybe I'll just invest in a really tiny bucket to get the water out. Gee I hope I'll notice that very thin layer of water, or will I think it's just shiny because Jenkins decided to re-wax the marble floors again on his day off?

Of course, the scientists say that storm surges will be greater than average and of course the effect adds up over the years. Flooding is already a serious problem for my neighborhood, due completely to natural variation in climate. Okay so there will be a few more bad storm surges every now and then, and overall increased chance of flooding in any given area, but on average what is the effect of this measly rise in global sea level? I mean, the total amount of time that coastal habitation is being flooded, relative to the total time say that it's sunny, is still very small. So what is the average effect? I did some rough calculations and blog science, and I came up with a number that is the average raise in sea level, including the sunny times and the increased time spent completely flooded, and it works out to be only 0.43 mm per year.

What?! Hahaha, 0.43 mm that's hardly anything! Looks like I'll have to build a storm wall out of some thin shoe laces! Looks like I'll have to keep buying slightly bigger mops every year that I get flooded. Sheesh, those scientists like to worry. I'm not worried. On average, I'll be just fine.

Ah the deliciously ironic horrors that our globally cooling freezing planet is serving up, as now not only did ONE ship get stuck in some ice, but the ICE BREAKER that helped save the hopeless scientists on it is now also stuck in the ice.

Folks, it's a fact that if there's ice anywhere on this globe, then it's pretty dern cold on that part of the globe, and that is by definition global cooling. So now that global cooling in Antarctica is an established fact, let us never forget it. Surely come summer there will be freak heat waves where there should not be heat waves, and the scientists will point and say "Look! See?!"

...like so many brainless zombie fanatics. When this happens, we must remember remember, the first days of January, when some people were stuck on a boat. Don't let them trick you or spoil our fun. Repeat it, folks! Let it be your mantra: "Stuck on boat means global warming a hoax!" Natural disasters happen on the political right as equally likely as on the political left, in equal measure. Can anyone really claim that one natural disaster is "better" than another? No, I think not. So when thousands of people die in heat waves, remind those people, "Don't forget that 52 passengers got stuck in some ice that one time (thus proving once and for all that science is made up fairytales), and how is this any worse?"

Make "Boat stuck in ice" the climate story of the year. It's that important.